The misunderstanding that BDSM is necessarily linked to violence or portrayed as acting against someone’s will is dangerous, as it doesn’t account for the interpersonal dynamics that make BDSM a consensual practice. And many people are unaware of the playful, consciousness-expanding, and even healing opportunities that BDSM offers. From my coaching work with clients, and from exploring my own identity as a sex-positive woman, I know that BDSM can do a lot more than just add a bit of fun to an otherwise routine roll in the hay. Sensation is often explored via impact play (such as flogging, spanking, etc.), pushing boundaries around play and pleasure, restraint, blindfolds, and objects. Power dynamics are explored through role play, such as one partner being submissive (bottom) and the other dominant (top). The words “bottom” and “top” refer to sex positions on a literal level; though these identities can also be explored psychologically. BDSM can also be as simple as playing with rope, or as complicated as a drawn out “scene” with lots of props and a scenario that participants act out. If you’re new to BDSM, or exploring it for the first time with a new partner, it’s absolutely necessary to discuss what you want, what you don’t want, how you will communicate “slow down” or “stop” in the heat of the moment, and how you will do “aftercare” to process it all later. This also means that you must know the signs of physical distress if you’re playing with intense sensation. If you are not given a choice about your part in the dynamic, steer clear. It’s especially important when watching or reading fictional depictions of BDSM to understand that consent marks the unambiguous boundary between erotic play and non-consensual abuse. For this reason, it’s not advisable to dive into BDSM with strangers! Likewise, sensation can be an endless source of enjoyable exploration. Not to mention, exploring fantasies with a trusted partner (with discussion and consent) can be wildly entertaining! Even better is the underlying foundation of vulnerability that BDSM requires; the trust that you and your partner build from exploring these new dynamics leads to deep bonding. Surrender is so key to experiencing an expansion of consciousness. So, similarly, the experience of being submissive and just “accepting” can also lead one into an altered state. When you feel safe, and surrender, there are many ways to sink, slip, or expand into the beyond. If things go awry, and there is some kind of upset, the compassionate partner who respects boundaries can assume the role of healer. Even the most dominant, flogging, handcuff-wielding pro knows the importance of the well-timed cuddle. All the more reason to take consent and safety seriously from the beginning. Above all, there is a reason BDSM has been central to the evolution of the sexuality movement, especially as brought to the public by the work of internationally acclaimed sexuality educators like Dossie Easton, Janet Hardy, and Barbara Carellas, for example. BDSM, in offering such an intense context to explore eroticism, power play, sensation, and your relationship dynamics, is a rich space for personal development — as long as you play by the (agreed upon) rules!
