According to the National LGBTQ Task Force, asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person experiences little or no sexual attraction or desire. The term is expansive though, and it may hold a different meaning to different people who identify with it in different ways. For some, it’s more about a lack of sexual desire in general, while for others, it’s just a lack of desire for anyone in particular. In general though, being asexual is about how someone experiences sexual desire and/or attraction, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything in particular about a person’s sexual behavior. Some asexual people feel neutral about engaging in sexual activity, while others are actively put off by the idea of it. Some asexual people do have sex and even enjoy it; they simply don’t experience desire for it. “People who are not ace spectrum might still not always enjoy sex or not be super motivated to have it because there is ample variation within sexuality, too,” says Queen. “But when someone discovers asexuality as a potential self-identity and really feels like ’that’s it, that explains it,’ they’re probably ace.” According to multi-certified sex and relationships educator Anne Hodder-Shipp, graysexuality can be further broken down into a few different types: For a different example, take pansexual vs. panromantic. A pansexual person is someone who can be attracted to people of all genders. A panromantic person is someone who is open to romantic relationships with any gender, though they may or may not experience sexual attraction. These identities can also be used in conjunction. So, someone could be biromantic asexual, for example, or aromantic asexual. Or somewhere in between! “Sex does not equal love,” says LGBTQ+ expert and dual-licensed social worker Kryss Shane. Someone who doesn’t tend to fall in love would more likely designate themselves as aromantic, Queen adds. Some asexual people get into romantic relationships, and some have sexual relationships with their partners. Where you are on the asexual spectrum may change throughout your life. For example, some women begin identifying as asexual due to hormonal shifts around menopause, says Queen. Some young people might begin to identify as asexual after having sex and realizing they don’t enjoy it. “But very often, if someone ‘comes out’ as asexual, it basically acknowledges what they have felt all along,” Queen says. The key difference between being asexual and having a lower libido is whether you feel this lack of interest in sex is at the core of who you are or merely a challenge you are facing. Feeling like you can’t get turned on (even though you want to) is often linked to a psychological, physiological, or relational problem that people can fix, whereas asexuality is an intrinsic trait that you probably can’t change and wouldn’t necessarily want to, Shane explains. “A person with low libido likely still feels interest or attraction, but there’s not much fuel in the engine, so to speak—no, or a very limited, sense of urge,” says Queen. “They might be really dissatisfied with this, and very much want to get their ‘oomph’ back. An asexual person, once they are comfortable with themselves as they are, probably won’t feel this way.” Suzannah provides private coaching and courses in the areas of sex and relationships, as well as doula services.
