For people with gifts as a love language, the act of giving a gift serves as a gesture of affection and care because it shows the person was thinking about you while you weren’t around and wanted to find a way to make you smile. The gift also becomes a physical token memorializing a moment, experience, or feeling. In other words, it’s less about the specific thing that’s being given and more about what that thing symbolizes. “The present itself is nice, but it’s really the thought behind it that counts,” relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg. “The gift becomes an object that helps you remember they were thinking of you, which fills you with love.” The price tag doesn’t matter as much as the level of thoughtfulness, care, and effort behind the present. People with this love language appreciate small tokens of affection—like when their partner picks them up a coffee on their way to meet up—as much as the more expensive gifts. Some folks with this love language might also love getting spoiled and having a partner who’s willing to splurge on them, but again it’s more about the feeling of being doted on than the actual money. For gifts people, gifts represent love. “The gesture of receiving a gift demonstrates that you are seen, cared for, and prized. You really thrive on the thoughtfulness behind the gesture and treasure nostalgic items,” Nguyen explains. While some gifts people might be materialistic, it’s not inherent to the love language—someone with physical touch or any other love language might also happen to be materialistic. On the other hand, it’s possible for someone with the gift-giving love language to not really care for physical things very much at all, but gifts from their loved ones may just be the few physical things they actually do cherish. In fact, for a gifts person, the gesture of purchasing a pricey gift or paying for a nice dinner might actually be more meaningful when it’s coming from someone without a lot of financial means—because the fact that they’re willing to splurge on you is all the more symbolic of how much they care, as opposed to a wealthier person who regularly spends a lot of money on everything anyway. Nguyen recommends prioritizing both special occasions (put them on the calendar and set reminders a few weeks in advance so you can plan a great gift!) as well as more spontaneous presents every now and then. “It could be as simple as a hand-picked flower from the garden or getting them a cute keychain from a favorite travel destination,” she says. “Those small gestures can celebrate the relationship in a big way.” Remember: The point is not the price tag. The point is to convey care, a sense of knowing them well, and the fact that you’re thinking about them through what you give. It may also be helpful to have a conversation about money and the role it does or does not play in what gestures you appreciate. Money is often a source of conflict in relationships and is widely known to be a contributor to divorce, so it’s important to get on the same page with partners about the way you both think about money—especially if you have the gift-giving love language. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
