Removing someone from your life fully isn’t always possible. Sometimes, there are certain relationships where they still have to be a part of your life—at least for the time being until you can change the situation. In such cases, putting parameters around the connection to protect your energy becomes much needed. Learning how to emotionally detach while maintaining clear boundaries is the key to finding peace. “Emotionally detaching from someone involves taking a step back from your relationship,” licensed psychologist Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., tells mbg. “Perhaps this person (a friend or family member) was once a treasured member of your inner circle, but you’ve learned that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. By beginning to see this person differently, it allows you to detach—that is, to put less weight on that person’s behavior toward you.” According to licensed clinical social worker Noelle McWard, LCSW, being detached means choosing not to engage with that person’s behavior and no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally pulled into reacting to it. “Detachment is a re-centering of your attention and energy on yourself, not the other person,” she tells mbg. “When you place your energy and focus back on yourself rather than on trying to control the other person’s behaviors and attitudes, you are in a better position to make better decisions about how it is best for you to engage in the relationship.” She notes learning to detach takes conscious intention and practice, which is possible, although it’s a difficult skill to master because humans are wired for attachment. That said, she adds, “There is a saying to ‘detach with love.’ This means that I can love you from afar or in close proximity, but [I] won’t engage with the parts that are hurtful to me.” McWard defines emotional attachment as the goal for all human relationships. It’s a feeling of closeness and connection in relationship with others. When you’re in a happy and secure attachment, you feel safe in the relationship. On the other hand, she says unhealthy attachment can manifest in the form of anxious attachment (feelings of insecurity triggered by the other person’s needs and wants, marked by intense fears of abandonment or betrayal) or avoidant attachment (feelings of overwhelm by the other person’s needs and wants, marked with a desire to withdraw from the connection). As a counter, detachment is about working with the relationship and accepting it for what it is instead of working on the relationship and hoping for change. You can sense it’s time to detach from someone when, instead of feeling emotionally regulated around them, you now feel anxious, emotionally drained, and exhausted—all signs you need to take care of your mental health. After you’ve expressed that their behavior or attitudes have negatively affected you and there’s been little to no change, then your only option is to focus on taking care of your well-being within the context of that relationship. This happens by choosing to consciously detach from the person. Napolitano notes emotional detachment has similar, nuanced roots to the so-called quiet quitting phenomenon. “In quiet quitting, you are not alerting your boss that you are doing less work, but you [are stepping] back from the stress and pace of the job. It is very powerful to change your approach to a job or a relationship without making a pronouncement about your decision,” she says. This allows you to intentionally pull away while protecting your space versus needing to leave the situation or banish them from your life forever. Ahead, here are some tips to keep in mind as you begin to detach from someone in your life: “Getting feedback from others will help you to ensure that you are making the best decision for your well-being as opposed to impulsively cutting someone out of your life,” Napolitano says. Emotional detachment will look like being less accessible. “[It’ll look like] not getting together as frequently, not responding to outreach as quickly, not taking the ‘bait’ if you feel triggered by this person’s behavior. It’s a slow process of moving someone from your inner circle to more of an acquaintance,” Napolitano says. Napolitano recommends holding them and your past beloved memories with tenderness while also understanding they may now have a different set of behaviors and values that no longer match up with your own. Bringing objectivity to the way you view them allows them to still be in your life, although their presence doesn’t have to loom large in your life. The emotional barrier acts as a buffer to add room to the relationship so it can expand to a place where you can actually interact with the parts of them that do not cause you anxiety or judgment. Let yourself grieve that it couldn’t work out, and reframe the connection so you can still talk to them without feeling knocked off balance. That could look like texting them about your problems less, not hanging out as much, and restricting how often you see them on social media. For other matters, “emotionally create a buffer between yourself and the other person around anything else. Your focus stays firmly rooted only on doing your job and doing it well, and you let go of giving attention or energy to the other person and what they are or are not doing,” she says. She notes this could look like having boundaries around topics you will or will not discuss, withdrawing the need from wanting a particular outcome from them, or reducing how open and vulnerable you choose to be with them. It may also look like limiting contact within the relationship. “But in all possible iterations of this, the focus is on you and taking care of yourself, not on changing anything about the other person,” she says. If you see them every day, they don’t have to know you are detaching since it can be conveyed with a subtle, nonverbal shift in attitude. McWard adds that you can still hold the other person in your mind and heart with good thoughts and wishes while maintaining distance. “It is a way that you can hold care for them without having to be directly involved with them.” Sometimes, it’s healthier to focus on yourself and what you can control as a form of self-care. Learning emotional detachment is learning how to be discerning enough to understand which people are able to put in the work to nurture a growth-oriented relationship and which people aren’t able to do that. If this connection is starting to negatively impact you, it’s worth putting in some emotional distance so they can still be a part of your life.
