The four main parenting styles create a framework for how we evaluate and describe child-rearing decisions. But these styles are not stagnant—you can, for the most part, fall into one “type” while still exhibiting behaviors of the others. And cultural norms can play a major role in how these parenting styles are exhibited. What we’re saying here is that while these may be distinct and differing styles, there is nuance. Here’s what to know. And as Aliza Pressman, Ph.D., co-founding director and director of clinical programming for the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, notes, “The authoritarian parent has high demands, but that’s not the problem; the problem is there’s low sensitivity.” What she means by this is that setting boundaries and believing in your child’s potential enough that you would set high demands is a powerful and important thing. The potential issue is that some parents may not offer enough support—through emotional guidance, etc.—for their kids’ needs. We should also note that every kid has different needs for both boundaries and sensitivity. As for the children, this parenting style can have positive outcomes: Children tend to do well in school and overall are generally high achievers. The strict expectations set for them pushes them to perform well to appease the parents. However, this likely will have drawbacks: This can cause the child to feel an absence of control over their lives, lessened self-respect, a reliance on extrinsic motivation, and an undercurrent of stress. “The child has little to no say, which often leads them to feel more anxious,” says Beurkens. They may even struggle to adapt to “the real world” once adults, as that relies on self-reliance, self-regulation, and often internal motivation. See, while it is vital for parents to set boundaries for kids, eventually kids need to start learning how to set their own, and this is often learned through having more freedom. What she found was four styles that she could separate and define, those being authoritative, uninvolved, permissive, and disciplinarian (also known as authoritarian). “What it comes down to is where the parent falls on the grid of sensitivity and expectations,” says Pressman. “Sensitivity is about warmth and nurturing your child’s needs and emotions; expectations are about instilling responsibility in your child and setting boundaries.” Here, a very quick explanation of the other three: One way is to put yourself in your kid’s shoes, so, for example, if they are struggling in some way, think about why and what you’d like someone to do for you. This also holds true if the kid is asking for more freedom or leniency—for example, a teen asking for more autonomy. “Some of the key components are treating the child as the parent would want to be treated, including allowing for autonomy and choice; understanding that behavior is always rooted in some kind of need or underlying issue—and seeking to understand the child’s perspective before making assumptions about their emotions or behavior,” says Beurkens. “Giving children the freedom to make choices and learn from them; open communication; respect for all members of the family; problem-solving when challenges arise; addressing things in playful ways when appropriate.” You can also move away from leaning on punishment and instead rely on discipline. Punishment tends to be reactionary and usually doesn’t come with guidance or context on why they are being punished (this is especially important for younger children who may not yet understand rules, self-regulation, or right from wrong). See, discipline “is the range of ways a parent can interact with their children so that they can understand what is expected of them, have tools for problem-solving, and make good decisions about behavior,” says Pressman. This is all about setting up a structure and context for your kid to succeed. Essentially, discipline starts before the “bad behavior” is even expressed: You want to explain to your kids what you expect of them, why you expect them to act this way, what the “real-life” consequences are if they don’t, and what sort of outcomes may be expected if the independent behavior is not met. Finally, you can just show up for your kid, remind them you love them and you care about them, offer emotional support, and just help them when they are struggling. You don’t have to be attentive to your kid’s needs 24/7, but you can be there when it counts.
