Here’s a simple attachment style quiz to find out what your type is, plus descriptions of the four attachment styles and what to do once you know yours. “Your attachment style is your mind’s template for how safe you are in a relationship,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg. Here’s a quick overview of the four attachment styles: Here’s how common each of the other attachment styles is according to foundational attachment research, which actually did not include fearful-avoidant attachment in the study: For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can start by telling the people you’re dating about your tendency to need a lot of reassurance in relationships and why certain actions can trigger your insecurities. Or if you have an avoidant attachment style, you can let your partner know why having space is so important to you to feel comfortable in a relationship. From there, you can begin to recognize in the moment when you’re exhibiting behaviors related to your attachment wounds and take steps to address them head-on rather than letting them continue to negatively affect your relationships. “As you explore your wounds, you’ll come to realize that you can become empowered by acknowledging and stating your needs,” Manly explains. “Rather than getting reactive or shutting down, you can state your needs to your partner in clear, healthy ways. By using ‘I’ messages and communicating clearly, your partner will become more aware of your wounds and your needs.” (Here’s Manly’s full guide to healing attachment issues.) Over time as you work on understanding the root of your attachment wounds and how they manifest in your relationships, you can work—often in tandem with a supportive romantic partner—to move toward a healthier and more secure way of relating to others. “A person’s attachment style can change depending on who they are in a relationship with—or in some cases, permanently change,” licensed marriage therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, recently told mbg, though she emphasizes that it’ll certainly take some work: “It takes acknowledgment, work, rewiring of interactions, resetting boundaries, learning healthier ways of relating, and sorting through your trauma.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
