Even if you’re not quite ready to leave yet, think of these as small first steps you can start to take to help you find the strength to finally make the leap: J.K. Rowling once said, “Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” True to those words, I hired therapists and coaches for my personal development, and over time, my panic attacks stop. Then one day I vowed to start taking care of my body again and committed to shedding the excess weight I’d gained from comfort-eating. I stopped wearing my uniform of sweatpants and a T-shirt and instead wore dresses, perfume, and mascara again. Bit by bit, I took hold of my life, and it beamed back at me. Having reclaimed my beauty, I no longer cared what he said to put me down. These days, I tell my clients to never underestimate the power of self-love and feeling beautiful—whatever that means to you. Every derogatory word an abusive partner utters to break your spirit will bounce off and boomerang back at them because you are strong in who you are—a beautiful soul, inside and out. You see, I’d just made a Freudian slip, where something I’d been trying to run away from popped out of my subconscious. I’d been wanting to leave him for some time but never made any concrete plans because I felt guilty for “abandoning” him. My clients have told me how they’d unconsciously done similar things—for instance, packing their ornaments and decorations separately—without having consciously decided to leave. On some level, they knew that’d be their last Christmas together. Over the years, I made so many compromises. I knew I couldn’t marry him, have children with him, or own a house with him. So I started telling people I wasn’t interested in those things, hoping I’d convince myself, too. Three months before I left, my vision of the future changed. In it were a loving, stable relationship and a home. Not seeing him in my future plans gave me a sense of peace. It affirmed to me that I was ready for a life without him. Pay attention to your hopes and dreams. Invest your energy in them, and breathe life into them. And notice when your abuser starts to feature less and less in them. Doing this took my self-assuredness to a new level, and I was able to confront the reality of what he had been doing to me. It took me a long time to blow past the smoke and smash the mirrors he’d cleverly put up. Once I was able to imagine my life without him, I was able to acknowledge the truth. He didn’t abuse me because of his past, because of his substance problem, or because of the toxic people around him. He did it because it gratified him. And that empowered me to leave in a more profound way than anything had before. “You might start building up your savings in anticipation of your departure, or asserting yourself, making boundaries that you wouldn’t have in the past,” she says. “In arguments, you might find yourself saying things like, ‘I don’t appreciate being treated in this way, so please stop.’” You eventually start to get the abuse on record. I remember trembling as I made trips to see my minister of Parliament, the local domestic violence charity, and my physician. Even though I felt guilty for taking measures against his treatment of me, I continued to take tangible steps toward independence. But as I was preparing to leave, I met with three different sets of friends whom I hadn’t seen for some time. They asked me, “How are things with your partner?” It took courage to say it—I’d never said it to them before—but I replied, “He’s abusing me, and I’ve been planning my departure.” They didn’t judge me. Instead, they offered me spare beds, helpful contacts, and emotional support. This taught me that, while I’d landed in an unfortunate and perilous situation, I wasn’t to blame. People were sympathetic. I just needed to stop keeping it a secret. Eight days later, I left. Despite his heart-tugging stories of being cheated on, I knew that was controlling and unhealthy. I stopped putting his weakness above my needs and instead referenced my internal model for healthy relationships—my parents—who have both have mixed-gender friendships and trust each other implicitly. If you find yourself hanging out with platonic friends of the gender you’re interested in, it’s a sign that you’re ready to enter the real world again. Cole has also observed that some of her clients start to experience crushes on other people and fantasize about romances away from their toxic partner. That’s because your gut is telling you that you deserve so much better than your abusive partner. Your mind is preparing you for your next chapter. Importantly, you’re in the most danger just before and after you leave an abuser. You must be careful of the ways you try to trigger the end of the relationship because your abuser may be vengeful. Always, always have an escape plan that puts your safety first. Perform that thought experiment on yourself. And then remind yourself that our brains have the capacity to amplify anxiety. Yes, the drama of ending the relationship can be ugly. But when you sit down and work through the details, you’ll realize you can craft a plan. You’ll realize it is doable. When you’re ready, here’s a few tips on how to leave an abusive relationship. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
