That means, yes, serious relationships involve some sort of commitment—though not necessarily a commitment to exclusivity, not necessarily a commitment to get married someday, not necessarily a commitment to be together forever. (Though for some people, those things might be important!) Everyone might have slightly different needs and preferences, but a relationship that’s serious does involve a baseline commitment to continue being together and caring about each other indefinitely. There’s usually a direct conversation about this, according to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW. “They have determined that both individuals are on the same page about the relationship and have labeled it ‘serious,’” she tells mbg. “There is an understanding that both people are hoping that the relationship will grow and develop as time goes on.” Beyond this general framework, most of the other details are specific to the individuals involved in the relationship. If you’re not sure where you stand with your partner, you should just ask! Meantime though, here are what relationship experts say are usually some of the clearest signs that your relationship is getting serious and that your connection is getting deeper: “They text you back; they make and keep plans; so do you,” Melamed adds. “Attendance is mandatory in a serious relationship—you need to show up every damn day. This is the first glimpse of that commitment.” (Not that you need to hang out every day—but whether or not you’re going to be spending time together soon is not up for debate or based on whether your schedule permits. You’re going to make the time.) You know your relationship is actually getting serious when you stop doing that, explains licensed clinical marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins. “Most of us are extra polite, accommodating, and flexible in the early stages of a relationship,” she explains. “When you finally feel comfortable enough to let your partner see your not-so-nice side, you are expressing a desire to be truly known and accepted for who you really are. This is a sign that you would like to develop a deeper connection with your partner.” “Slipping into a comfortable rhythm, routine, or pattern of behavior with your partner is a sign of deeper connection. When you intentionally form habits with another person, it indicates that you are open to moving forward together,” Cullins says. Melamed adds that spending a lot of time with each other’s close friends can also say a lot about the strength and promise of your relationship. “These people know your name and who you are in [your partner’s] life,” she says. “This person is showing and sharing their world with you—which is a pretty good indication they would like to bring you into it.” “You each take the time to figure out what makes the other happy, and you are happy to do those things. Caring for each other feels less scary or anxiety-provoking when you want to invest in something more long term,” Melamed says. “Serious relationships are both sturdy and resilient,” Cullins says. “They can endure petty disagreements, hard conversations, change, and some forms of outside interference. Even when you become mad, confused, and frustrated by your partner, you discover there is a mutual desire to continue working toward understanding and togetherness.” That willingness to go deep and have some vulnerable conversations in and of itself is a “good sign of growing intimacy,” she adds. Seriously—if you’re wondering whether your relationship is serious or not, just have the conversation. If your partner is reluctant to talk about it, you have your answer. But if you two are on the same page, the conversation will flow easily. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
