Here are some of the most important things you should know about generosity, especially if you’re looking to apply it to your relationship: This does not mean you are doomed to selfishness. Think of generosity as a muscle. You can give yourself a kind of “workout.” You start at the gym without much capacity to lift even a few pounds, but over time you build muscle strength. Generosity is the same. It may feel strange and even counterintuitive, but if you want to be generous and act as though you are, you can will yourself to get better at it. Keep in mind that this is not the same as doing something we can’t stand—being open to their sexual desires does not mean ignoring your personal boundaries or going against your own integrity. Also, being generous does not mean having sex each time your partner asks: You are always entitled to say “no.” Moreover, giving does not mean giving in, as the former is a gift freely given, and the latter quickly leads to resentment. Giving also works in the reverse—meaning you accept your partner’s “no” with kindness and understanding, even though it’s not what you want to hear. Working with couples for over 37 years, and being married to my spouse for nearly as long, I know that one of the most important gifts we can give our partners is paying real attention to them. Notice how your partner is feeling, remember what is important to them during their day, and listen to their thoughts and ideas (even if you’ve heard them before or don’t have a natural interest in them). Generosity is important in every part of a relationship. Giving and accepting affection, doing things for one another to make life easier, forgiving each other, and keeping your partner sexually satisfied all require a generous heart. And for those of us who have a hard time getting out of our own heads, it is a skill that will help us have less stress, be healthier, and live longer. It might be possible to hardwire your brain to fall and stay in love. Sound crazy? Check this out before you write it off.
